mastering love forever

Like many of you, my deep yearning to understand love, grew out of heartache. At the tender age of 19, I experienced a relationship betrayal that made me want to lock my heart away forever.

My mind obsessed over questions like, “What happened?” and “How could I be sure that it would never happen again?”

I wanted to make sense of the pain. The invalidations from our culture to “just get over it” only fueled my discomfort.

The “silver lining” through my own suffering became my drive to “master” love. This journey would shape my life in glorious ways. At first, I believed that the best strategy to overcome heartache would be to avoid love.

However, my dad, in his infinite wisdom, told me the story of the termites. “Termites can jump really high, but in this experiment, they put them in jars with lids for a few weeks.

When they released them, the termites only jumped the same height as the jars for the rest of their lives. My dad asked, “Is that really how you want to live your life?” I decided that avoidance was not the best way to cope if I wanted to “master” love. read more

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what is a healthy relationship?

I saw this poem hanging in a consignment shop in Monterey, California the week I became a licensed therapist. I decided to buy it for my new office. It spoke to me on so many levels.

In our co-dependent culture, so many people are struggling with boundaries, where they begin and where someone else ends.

Boundaries can be physical, mental and emotional invasions or trespasses of our bodies, thoughts or feelings. They can be invalidations of our authentic selves until we know longer know who we are, which makes it difficult to establish our own boundaries.

Robbed of boundaries, we can be “blown about by every wind” as Melody Beattie says in “Co-Dependent No More”, lacking a core self.

Boundaries are necessary to teach people what hurts us, what feels good, what we like and what we don’t like. When we cannot teach people and know that they will respect our bodies, thoughts and feelings, relationships become about power and control rather than about love.

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what i want from you

I want to love you without clutching,
Appreciate you without judging
Join you without invading,
Invite you without demanding,
Leave you without guilt,
Criticize you without blaming,
And help you without insulting.
If I can have the same from you,
Then we can truly meet and enrich each other.
~ Virginia Satir

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