by Sheila Kreifels, LMFT
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. If you really did count the ways you love your spouse, kids, family, friends and others, what do you think you would discover? “I gave my partner a kiss this morning, that’s enough love for one day.” or “I sacrifice all day long doing laundry, making meals, cleaning the house and driving my kids to their activities, surely that’s enough love for one day!” Whether you are a miser or a martyr or a scorekeeper or a sacrificer with your ability to be loving towards others, we all seem to struggle with LOVE.
There are many books,songs, radio shows, television shows, and even a commercialized day devoted to love, so why aren’t we getting it? Could it be that our modern culture is simply too busy for love? How do we discover this elusive love? In our consumer driven culture we have been trying to consume love. We purchase every possible product that could make us look more attractive. We work long hours striving for success so we can purchase the bigger house and the faster car. We are so busy looking beautiful and working more that we have become over-indulgent at “taking in” rather than “giving up” and love is not love until you give it away.
I am guilty of this myself. There are many distractions to my ability to give love. Some distractions are tired, busy, resentful, selfish or hurt. When my own heart is heavy, it is difficult for me to love. Sometimes couples feel so emotionally bankrupted that they cannot see themselves ever loving their partner again. I like to instruct them to count the ways that they do loving acts towards anybody. And also, the loving acts that anybody does for them. You see, when our heart is cluttered, broken, unhealed or carries unforgiveness around, it is difficult to be loving and thus receive love. I help couples identify the clutter in their hearts, deal with it and get back to loving and being loved.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning